Whine and Cheese.

I envy people who know what they want. From themselves, from other people, from life.... and they just go for it.

I wish I knew more often what it is that I want. When I think about all the times I've thought to myself "o dear me, how nice would it be to be in a relationship" I do two things:
1) I have to wonder if it is a relationship I want, or am I just infatuated with the romantic idea?
2) I gag a little.

So now, I am somewhat perched on the brink of something that could turn into a relationship, and I have that familiar creeping feeling of doubt telling me I should just run away a bit. Make my sorry excuses and part ways. Because really, any further and expectation kicks in. She's going to want me to feel the same way she feels. You know?

And how can I know if I'll be able to match her, emotion for emotion, want for want, if I don't even know how to respond to her when she tells me something like "I kinda have a severe crush on you.... and that's good.... but what if it backfires on me?" I know she wants some sort of reassurance about how I feel, but suddenly I became a mute. Or when she says "Do you have any expectations or anything?" and I just play dumb and inarticulate (generally quite an effective tactic).

What do I want? I don't know. She seems to know what she wants. And that's rather irritating.

When someone tells you they want to see you all the time, and they think about that all the time, and you're hearing them, but you don't feel quite the same, what is the appropriate response? I went with silence. Well actually, a nervous giggle and then silence. It is, I think, at least more tactful than being truthful, and less guilt-inducing than lying. So, overall a solid choice. Maybe.

I think I need to work more on my communication skills.

I told myself "no running away blindly this time." I told myself I may as well try out being somebody's somebody for a while, because I haven't anything to lose, really. But that doesn't change the fact that I am freaking out, quietly.

I'm whining, I know. Sorry.

Sometimes, people feel like ropes. I start thinking of Gulliver, on his travels, among the Lilliputians, getting tied down with threads. That's a kind of awful analogy, because I know loads of people are just fine with relationships, and love them and so on. And they don't think they're roped up at all.

But that's not even it. If I knew exactly what my issue was, I could solve it. hmmm.

I think part of my problem might have something to do with someone liking me more than I like them. Might be a control thing.

meh.

WHAT?!

O god. I haven't written since February?

I am shamed.

Right now I'm in media law class, where I learn how to not get sued in my future career as journalist extraorindaire. And how to get out of it, should i still get sued. Hopefully. I think if I get an A in this class, they oughta make me an honourary lawyer.

Anyways, what's new with me?.... not much. I didn't do a thing for reading week, not even read. I was briefly in a band, but then the other half moved to Toronto (shake fist at Toronto). I've mostly been running around for various reporting class assignments, trying not to fail, looking for sources, chasing quotes, learning the value of not procrastinating (but never actually putting that knowledge into practice), and trying every so often to breathe a little.

O and Glee is having an internet casting call. So Imma try out. Not that I think I'll make it, as I'm rather short for television, and the camera only adds pounds, not centimeters, but I shall do it anyways. I'm going to wear a tux and sing Don't Rain on My Parade.

GROUNDHOG DAY.

Groundhogs everywhere agree: six more weeks of winter! Giddy up.

Now tell me, crazies from PETA, how would we get such an accurate prediction about the forthcoming winter months if we used a mechanical groundhog? Eh? Can a machine see its shadow and scurry back into its hole? No.

It would be a lie! A clever little computer program, probably based around the Weather network's forecast, instead of the trusty mysticism and intuition of a fat and cute rodent.

Plus Wiarton Willy totally luuuubbbs his job. He sits around with a feeling of emptiness all year until February 2nd when he gets his chance to shine. Do you guys really want to be the ones to take that away from him? Hmmm?


ps. Better watch who you decide to pie in the face while you're in Canada, lest you be labeled a terrorist.

Viva La Face

Hey I forgot I did song of the weekish. So I have changed it, after a bizillion years of it being the same songs.

Two covers this random time period: Lady Gaga doing Coldplay's Viva La Vida and Poker Face as done by Mika.

I forgot about Mika for a while. I put on his tunes this weekend and suddenly remembered how thoroughly I enjoy prancing about the house singing his songs.

Gaga's there because I went to a drag show (well.... I was in it, actually, all suited up, looking like I was straight out of the '20s. Or I guess gay out of the '20s. bahahaa.) and I was reminded of her since my friend's costume was Gaga inspired in that she was a faux-queen. Meaning basically that my friend who is a girl was dressed up as a drag queen, but she's not a drag queen since she's not a dude to begin with.


ps. I won the drag show, singing Patricia the Stripper by Chris de Burgh. One hundred dollars and mad respect from a multitude of queens was my prize.

pps. Have you noticed how the tags "I fail" and "song of the week" always come together? huh....

this may indeed work

Wowsa I honestly do not remember writing that previous post. I must have been on a serious caffeine high.

Anyway. 20 10 is shaping up to maybe - but I don't wanna jinx it - perhaps, tentatively be wickedly better than '09. Or '08 for that matter. I think this may have something to do with me finally learning how to be a human being. And I don't mean conforming, I just mean I've learned to be me, a person, in my way.

And because of that, I be myself, around people. Around other humans.... It's a good time.


It's a really good time, actually.

I think I may be in love.

Hey you. Ya. You.

Dear Life,

Stop getting in the way of my blogge posting. My fans (choke. cynical cackle) would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you and warm regards,

NotAlice

F-f-f-fuck it's c-c-cold.

The whole university is an ice box. What is this?

Either they've not paid their heating bills or I for some reason am feeling the cold more than usual.

Come to think of it, my house seems colder too.

Geez nobody is paying their bills these days.