And this little piggy went weeweewee and killed us. All.

O MY GIDDY GOD. I think we're all doomed. DOOOOOMED!

I say. Doomed.

Swine flu will kill us all. I fully believe this because the media tells me so. I mean if they are telling me every five seconds that swine flu is running rampant through the world, unchecked, killing all in its path, then I should definitely not question that. No sir. No questions asked.

It is the present day Black Death. Yes indeedy. It's the PLAGUE. Run. Stay away from swine. DO NOT eat bacon for God's sake. If you do, you may in fact, turn into a pig. And then you will get shunned because you will BE the swine flu. Don't let those evil pigs cough on you either. They are out to get us, but due to their lack of opposable thumbs, they can't strangle us in our sleep and have to resort to coughing us to death!

And there are allegedly pieces of the bird flu in the swine flu concoction. So stay away from the damn birds too. In fact, just stay away from everything. Stay in your house, alone, and to be extra safe, wrap yourself in saran wrap, put on rubber gloves, and a face mask. If you don't have to move, don't. Moving just stirs up germs and makes them airborne.

And OMG there may be pieces of human flu in the swine flu. Mutant human genes. Crazy Wolverine type shit going down in this flu. We are soon going to have mutant pigs running around on their hind legs trying to form a government and then what will we do? WHO KNOWS!? it's time to panic. That is all we have left. PANIC.

God help you if you ever sneeze. An angry, disease-threatened mob will hunt you down and beat you. So just don't do it.



We are doomed. Don't try and fight it.

Reasons why we're Fucked.

My brother took a mental health day today. He is ten.

It snowed last week and yesterday it was 30 degrees Celsius.

Two reasons why the world is fucked up.



Feel free to throw in some more...

O dear ooops.

O wow. I have been sorely neglecting this thinger. And I definitely thought I posted this following thing on April 20, but apparently I was so tired I just fell asleep instead of pressing the publish button. And then forgot about it until just now. So here:

*******

Happy 4/20. Happy no more EXAMS.

I finished my exam at 4pm today and booked it downtown to join the multitudes on Parliament Hill, who were, no exaggeration, smoking up sandwiched between a mob of Tamil protesters and a fleet of police. There were many people with dreaded hair, tie-dyed tees, and (my favourite) maple syrop flavoured rolling paper. Some people were particularly into it, and I believe I saw some sort of giant marijuana leprechaun.

In other news, yesterday sucked.

The girl I like very much is straight. And her experimenting days are apparently behind her.... haha, her words, not mine.

I was at school yesterday to study (because studying in the comfort of my own home is nearly impossible due to the combination of brothers, parents and various other distractions that don't allow me to ever fully concentrate) when The Girl sent me a text asking to study with me. Well, I went, despite the fact that we weren't studying for the same exam.

After many hours of studying, I couldn't take it anymore, I had to find out. So I was real sly, and I asked for her opinion on what she would do if she had a question that she wanted to ask someone, but the question could cause awkwardness between her and the other person. Would she ask? Would she want to be asked a question like that?

"Well....I don't really know what you're talking about...I guess it would be too personal for me to ask what you're specifically talking about?" she asked.

I nod.

"Is it a relationship thing? Like a guy thing?"

Now at this point, I was finding it very difficult to keep from laughing. I was tired to the bones, my sanity was at a particularly low level, and the situation was absolutely ridiculous. I was asking her for advice on how to talk to her, without her knowing.

"It is a relationship thing," I said. "But not so much a guy thing..."

I think then, she grasped what I was talking about. But she didn't seem to want to say it, in case she was guessing wrong.

"So does...um, she know?" she asked. "Ummm"

"No," Ha. Yes actually, she just found out in fact. "I mean, it's never come up. Well it's not something you exactly say to someone when you meet them... hey my name's Alice and I'm bi....ya. haha."

We laugh.

Anyhoo, long story short(ish), she told me that I should get drunk with this girl and casually broach the subject. Or, get really trashed, walk up to the girl I like singing Katy Perry, and after the line "...and I LIKED IT," kiss the girl, and see if she likes it. She also said that once upon a time she and her friends had figured out that they weren't attracted to girls. How? And why wasn't I at this party? She then said she was sorry because she had assumed I was strait, and that from now on she won't assume such things about people.

"What about you, do you find you assume people in general are strait?" she asked.

"I used to," I answered, "but I then I made assumptions about myself, and look how wrong I was."

Plus it is just depressing to assume everyone in strait.

And so that is all. I didn't have to ask her out, I didn't have to make a fool of myself, and I didn't create irrevocable awkwardness between us. The end.

And then there was one....

Just one more exam. ONE. And then I can go about working to regain my sanity.

And also start weening myself off coffee. That should help in the sanity department. I have actually had a ridiculous number of laughing attack-spasm-crazy-person moments in the past week. I'm usually in public when this happens.

They are going to put me in an institution.


Though I wouldn't mind being in a padded room....you could sleep anywhere.

brrroommbrrroooommm I'm a car.

I just realized that there is an abundance of onomatopoeias in the titles of this month's posts.

It just goes to show that my brain is turning to mush and I can't think of real words to use. GAH!

Darn, Fuck. ARG.

Today I had an exam throughout which I repeated the words "fuck," bullshit," and "dear God... am I supposed to know this?" steadily for the entire two hours. To the proctors it must have at first sounded like whispering cheating, until they got close enough to realize that it was a chant of hopelessness. So they left me alone.

Damn and double damn.

And then I went outside and kicked a shrubbery. A whaawt? A SHRUBBERY! One that was nice and not too expensive (Read with an English accent.... then it makes more sense. Ish).

Actually it was just a bush. And it was ugly. Now it is uglier because it has a bunch of broken branches. But serves the school right for planting it outside a place exams are taken. Duh its gonna get beaten up.

Click.

O God. A guy I apparently gave my number to at a house party just called me like 17 seconds ago.

"Uh hey....it's Ivan*..."

"O. Aw. Haiii. How'r you?" says I.

"Well. I dunno if you remember giving me your number...or if you remember me. But...." His sentence kinda lamely puttered to a stop.

But what? Why are you calling me? Nervous laugh, "I don't remember giving you my number." I possibly do remember, but I'm also pretty sure I do not want to. In hindsight, he was a tad creep-o-esque.

"Right....well I was just wondering if maybe you'd wanna hang out after exams or something?"

NO! "Humm. Well." Breathe deeply to buy some time to think of how to best say maybe while actually meaning 'absolutely not,' .... "ya maybe?"

"Ok good luck studying. Bye."

FML.

It is never the people I want to call who call.


*Name has absolutely not been changed for privacy.