Few Odd Thoughts

When life gives me a cantaloupe, I say "What the fuck? Where are my lemons? I was going to make scrambled eggs."

The first place I would loot in a riot would be a pitchfork store. The second would be a torch store. After that, I would slay an ogre.

The worst superhero to be is Mothman. Does he exist? Dear god I hope not, because all he would be good for is flying over and over again into light bulbs (which I'll admit, would be helpful if we were attacked by a SQUADRON OF EVIL GIANT LIGHT BULBS!) and eating the clothes off your enemies (which would be funny, if you cared to see your enemies naked).

I live in mortal terror of being bitten by a radioactive moth and becoming Mothman.

I live in mortal terror of eating the clothes off my enemies.

The plural of "moose" should be "meese"


That is all.

Dumb.

Life is not like a box of chocolates. It does not come with a map.

It also does not taste all that good.

Hometimes

Finally. Work day over.

Today felt as speshully long.

I HPLCed the same thing three times.


10:39 PM NOTE: I can still see the graph of the HPLC in my head. I think it is stuck there forever. Whatta waste of space.

Woeful religion

I was debating whether or not to post this, because it is a rant that sort of fails at reaching a point, but I figured why not? Read on but expect confusion.

My house has been overrun with my extended family this weekend. And for some reason, whenever we get visitors, my mom feels the need to fatten us all by feeding us massive amounts of food periodically throughout the day. Don't get me wrong, it's delicious, but now I feel ill. And my walk feels slightly more like a waddle.

They all gravitated to our house because my little cousin who lives in o-town also (as opposed to most of my family), had her first communion. She's seven years old, the daughter of a broken marriage, not to mention of two parents with vastly different religions: Catholic father and Hindu mother (though religion is not really the reason they separated....that happened mostly because my former aunt is a psychotic bitch of the first water). And already she's being introduced to the tricky world of making decisions about her faith.

I couldn't imagine being in my cousin's position. In my family, sacrements are kind of a big deal. For a little kid, they kinda have the feel of a birthday party.... you get presents (generally with a Jesus-type theme) and your family gathers and you have cake. So you get them, it's exciting and it's what your parents want, and then later in life, when you're my age, you can freak out and realize your religion is a lot more than just bread and wine and a boring hour spent listening to a dude talk every week, and you can either continue on with religion as your bff or you can fumble around trying to decide how exactly you fit in to it all (or don't). Except, in my cousin's case, she has a mother who literally told her she shouldn't get her first communion because she could never be Hindu again.

Which is complete bullshit, she can explore whatever religion she damn well feels like someday when she's old enough to grasp what exactly religion is. Plus it is absolutely irresponsible of her mom to put her own daughter in the position of having to chose her faith. It's like asking her to choose between parents.

She is probably the smartest darn seven year old I've ever met, capable of using reason and judgment beyond her years, but she's just a kid. Seven. To her, first communion is finally finding out what this Jesus-infused bread tastes like followed by presents. Her mother basically told her she would be less acceptable in her eyes if she decided to go through with her dad's religious traditions. How can a mother say make their child feel like they are second class for doing something that half her family wants and approves of but that she really doesn't understand? Even a crazy mother like her?

My cousin has steadily been shying away from Hinduism for some time now, and it's not because she feels Catholisism is more welcoming or logical or that the worshipping space is nicer. No, it's really because her mom is nuts and controlling. So the stories of Ganesha and Saraswati and Rama get associated with a mother who is driving her up the wall.

I found it difficult enough as a daughter of a Protestant father and a wickedly Catholic mother to reconcile the differences between my two parents, and on the surface, the differences in their actual beliefs are almost non-existant. So how my cousin is dealing, I don't know.

When you're little, religion really is defined by your parents. Maybe by your teachers too (especially, if like me, you went to a Catholic school and it was a class you took each year).

As a little kid, I once asked my mom if I could stay home from church that week.

Why? she asked.

Because it's a waste of my time, I said.

She didn't like that. She didn't see that I had faith, that I could have faith, without following dogma and sitting through masses I didn't always listen too. Sure I listened to the readings, because some of them are pretty interesting (I mean, you have to say, a bush that can burn and issue orders to Moses at the same time is pretty awesome), but I would tune out the homily, the parts the mass would fly right over my day dreaming head.

Needless to say, I had to go to church that day. And every week after.

And now I'm just sick of it.

I'm tired of the whole institution.

I'm tired of that fact that despite many people who have their religious belief separate from their political values, there are constantly those who would use Christianity as a fan to keep their political careers aflame.

I'm tired of listening to sermons for the sole purpose of perhaps catching the priest condemning gays, so that I could storm out of the church and never go back.

If I am going to have faith in something, I think it should be on my own terms.

Because I certainly don't care to believe in a God who would despise me for being me. Holy crime of the century. Geeez.

Last week, my brother who is fifteen actually used passages out of the Bible to try and get my mom to let him stay home from church. It didn't work either, in fact, he might as well have said "church is a waste of my time" for all the good his argument did. (it probably also would have helped if he hadn't have mixed up two different bible stories, but whatevs.) He isn't a child anymore but he still isn't "allowed" to make decisions about religion. I guarantee you, once he moves out of my parents' house, he will never go to church again.

Anyhoo, my cousin looked super cute in her little white dress and had a slightly awed look on her face as she went up to get her very first communion. And that's what I like to think about mostly. How much she enjoys it all now. Because I can say with almost certainty that someday she won't.

Wellll, that's all. I couldn't seem to make the rant that was occurring in my head a cohesive argument, so if you made it this far, I commend you.

Song of the Week and 2 days? Song of Six days? gah.

I'm a failure. I don't remember what day I made the "Song of the Week" link, so I dunno if it's been a week yet or not. Maybe I should just change the song?

All my readers (haha - choke...sigh) will be so disappointed in me if I don't do this link properly every week....that is, if they even noticed it was there in the first place.

I bet it's only been about three days.

My true calling

O shit.

I'm gonna be a fuckin rapper.

This is definitely the revelation I've been waiting for.

I may have to change my identity though, because droppin' rhymes about growing up in suburbia wouldn't exactly be hardcore. Or interesting, really....

....everyone with cookie-cutter yards - yo ho
i can see naked neighbours through their window - oh!
guess they've never heard of blinds - o no.
or maybe they're just doin' too much blow.

all the houses on the street are the goddamn same
the guy next door doesn't know my name
seven in a row are cuttin' grass again
fuckin noise'll put me out my brain.

And there you have it, the birth of a great artist. I will go far.

Everywhere A Sign

The signs on the doors in the building where I work make me feel slightly like a secret agent. They are waaaaay coooool, almost to the point where I'm tempted to steal them. But then I think, "if I steal this sign, how will people know that if they walk into this room, they will be bombarded by a massive amount of radiation and/or get test tubes hurled at them by scientists desperate to guard their secrets*?"


There's this one biohazard sign that is cool enough just as it is, but then underneath it it says "Containment Level 2." It made me wonder what could be in there that needs a level two containment. And also, what is a Level two containment? So I looked it up. And here's what could possibly be in that room (it is rather alarming, so if you're easily sent into a hypochondriac-type panic, I suggest you stop reading NOW and go to the hospital complaining of a high fever, a cough, greyish skin tone, and being so irritable you don't want to be held) :

"Risk Group 2 infectious agents include, for example: E. coli; many salmonella; some fungi like ringworm; California encephalitis viruses; human herpes simplex viruses; many influenza viruses; Transmissible Gastro-enteritis of swine; Mouse Hepatitis Virus; and a few parasites."

SWINE? The FLU? HERPES!?

O. My. GOOSHHHHNESSS.

I know what's going on. They are making an incurable, wasting disease in the form of a Herpes/Swine flu hybrid. I knew it.

This is horrible.

Of course, the biohazard signs aren't the only ones that pique my interest. There's this one that says "No Window Washing" and has a squeegee with a big red circle and line around it. I gotta get one of those for my windshield when I drive downtown.




*Happens aaaaalllll the time.