Maydaymayday,

May is nearly over and it has sucked weather-wise.

If anyone wants to tell me that climate change does not exist, I would like to punch them in the face. Or at the very least say degrading things about them until they cry and take it back.

I tell you, May has proven itself to be the new April. All rain and cold, all the time. It used to be "April showers bring May flowers." But now the saying would be more apt to say "April's alternating snow and 30 degrees Celsius temperature, bring a May that sucks for sure."

I sincerely hope June brings some heat because I would really like to get outside and sun damage my skin.

Just Work. (warning: written under the influence of massive amounts of coffffffeeeee)

Work sucks, but at least I get to dance in my swivel chair whilst I do it.

People see, but I don't care, because 1) I am trying desperately to make organizing lists and lists of chemical formulas interesting (and that takes coffee and Lady GaGa), and 2) I am surrounded by nerds and deep down they are envying my chair dancing skills.






ps. I'm not saying I'm not a nerd, I'm just a nerd who also has exceptional dance capabilities.

pps. CONGRATULATIONS to my one follower (and likely the only person to read this, but whatevsss) Luke on being a dad now.

ppps. see what I just did there? I just directed Luke back to his own blogge.

You tryin' to be funny? Part II

Yes.

I am seriously considering trying my hand - or mouth I suppose - at stand up.

Trouble is, I'm not sure if I'm all that funny. I mean, if I was on a stage in front of a crowd of people expecting something hilarious to come out of my mouth, would something hilarious come out of my mouth?*

I've been spending a lot of day dreaming hours trying to come up with a set. Or at the very least some promising material that could be coaxed into a stand up sketch. But nothing was coming right away, so I thought maybe if I YouTubed some comedians, ideas would just come to me as I watched them. AND THEY DID!.....

....evidently, none of the ideas were mine.

*Bare in mind, puke is not hilarious.

Jobless (but not actually)

I had an over the phone interview today for a position at Rona, the Home and Garden Centre. I totally sold myself except for the part when the woman said they couldn't hire me because I am not available week days. Because of my day job.

And you know what they say, don't quit your day job for a different one unless the other one is guaranteed more pay. Or at least that's what I say.

And I so wanted to be a "How To" person!

O BTW...

I passed my in-car test. Barely apparently.

The woman said I nearly blew it with my parallel parking. But whatever, say I, I will never need to parallel park again (that is a lie, most likely) and I only learned how to do it the day before the test.

I will now no longer be breaking the law when I drive alone.

Alas, the thrill is gone.

At heart, they are hormonal preteens, I swear.

My parents like to play mind games with each other. They are not fun and there is no winner. My mom's new favourite is called "Emasculating my Husband with Passive Aggressive (emphasis on the aggressive part) Low Blows." She is really good at it.

Kind of almost makes me live in terror at the idea of ever having a girlfriend. Because women are crazy beings.

My Padre on the other hand is more a fan of "How Can I Absentmindedly Piss Her Off?" He is quite by accident good at it. I can't help but wince whenever he accidentally enters into this game because I know he won't realize until it's too late.

For example, yesterday they were chatting with some friends of theirs and my dad mentioned he was going to be in Indianapolis for a week on business. Well, I saw my mom's eyes narrow and her jaw clench a bit, and I guessed that he hadn't told her about the trip. I was right.

All I could do then was slap my forehead in an exasperated and pitiful manner and back away from the situation so as not to feel the full, biting effects of the sarcastic comments that were to ensue.


So ya, it would be funny if I didn't have to witness it through a hazmat suit.

You tryin' to be funny?

If I was a comedian, I would like to be a cross between Ellen DeGeneres, Stephen Colbert, and a Viking. Because as I've recently stated, Vikings are fucking hilarious.

Plus, if the audience wouldn't laugh at me I could just coherce them with my giant thunder hammer. Then dazzle them with my sarcastic wit. Then dance.

It would be the most perfect set ever. By the end, the audience would have forgotten all about me beating the shit out of them at the beginning.

The only thing that could make it any better would be just a touch of John Cleese (oooer haha) and a smidgen of Billy Shakespeare. Because, really, who hasn't read Hamlet and laughed like a mad loon the entire time? It's just one funny situation after another. And then (*spoiler ALERT*) everyone dies.


And now for something completely different.

Atlantic Cod.

On Wednesday I saw Joel Plaskett in concert. He is not only amazing, but also super-duper. Just watch this. Brilliant and a tad wicked, n'est pas?

And I'm a big fan of buying made in Canada, so the fact that he was made in Canada is a bonus fo sho. Ha.

He's from the East Coast. I love the maritimes. I always wish I had been born there or lived there for a period of time so I could say I'm an East Coaster. They're just so nice and have the greatest laid back sense of humour (a dangerous generalization, I know, but whatever)....but their funniness may also have something to do with the accents they have. It doesn't matter, you could be the nicest person in the world, but if you were in a Kind Person competition against an East Coaster, they would win by default.

Which is kind on funny since Newfoundland was first settled by Vikings, who had a great sense of humour.... if you're into brutally pillaging villages and angry, hammer wielding gods. But even they couldn't handle living on a great giant rock, so they packed their horned helmets and braided beards and hit the road.

At one point during the show, Joel shouted "Any one here from out East?" and I almost, very nearly screamed "YAAA" along with a big portion of the audience. But a restrained myself. Barely.

It's just that saying I'm from Ontario is so ver ver boring, and anyone not from here basically hates it because, historically, governments have furnished trade policies and such that benefited Ontario manufacturers and made everyone else (farmers...lumber-jacks....and um, fishermen) poorer and poorer. Or maybe they don't hate it because of that, but rather because some stupid obnoxious Leaf fans make us all look dumb. And Senators fans are so busy jumping on and off "their" team's bandwagon it's ridiculous. I dunno.

But no I'm not a manufacturer. I don't build cars. I don't live anywhere near Toronto, thank you very much. Despite living in Ottawa, I don't have a government job and I'm not in high tech. I don't work for Nortel (but then really, who does anymore? O that's right, they're all in China).

So yes, I'd rather be a Newfoundlander, even though they are the runner ups just after blonds for being the butt of a joke.

Shut up and drrrrrrive.

O shit. Today is Tuesday isn't it? It is. And in less than a week I have a driving test....and I don't know how to drive.

I mean, of course I know how to drive, I've been doing so for nearly two years. But I just know that the dude who tests me will fail me for something stupid like not putting my hands at 10 and 2 on the steering wheel, or not doing an over the shoulder check when entering a turning lane that just started and couldn't possibly have a car in it yet, or giving an idiot driver the finger.

Hmm...that last one especially could be a problem. Ha.

Stupid graduated licences.

It's hard to write with bitter fingers.

I'm writing a book. Or at least I'm trying to.

I have no idea where it is going, but the first chapter is done.

It even has a tentative title. Someday if it ever gets done, anyone who reads this blogge will recognize the title. Maybe.

And I'm just a little bit drunkly.

Ketchup and Mustard.

You know what makes me angry? The news.

I may have mentioned this before, but I think it warrants being stated again: media are all too often just fear mongering pundits either seeking to be the lap dogs of the sitting government, or to be the personal critic to those in power. And when I say critic, I mean in the they-watch-their-every-move-for-nit-picky-things-they-can-call-them-out-on-like-what-they-put-on-their-burgers way, and not the watch-dog-pointing-out-relevant-flaws-in-the-way-they-govern way.

Take for instance the recent Obama burger ordering fandango. I mean, Dijon mustard for heaven's sake! For REALS? Is there nothing better that the news can waste their time talking about? Laura Ingrams like ripped him apart for *gasp* NOT PUTTING KETCHUP on his burger and opting for "elitist" type mustard! Is he even American if he doesn't get ketchup on it? And she was dead serious about it. She was appalled or something.

And what's really, painfully stupid is that the media reprimands Obama for going out to a burger joint for lunch with his ol' pally Joe, saying "O look, Obama looking for a photo op. He's trying to show he's just a regular guy, He's trying to show he's not elitist (and failing...Dijon mustard! Geeeez), he's blah blah blah...." But who is making this a photo op? Who is making it a big deal when it reeeeallly doesn't need to be? Who is turning a hunk of beef with mustard on it into the top story on the six o'clock news?

Dear Media, what you must realize, is that it takes two to tango, so to speak. When Obama gets a regular old cheddar cheese burger, it's not a story unless you make it one. SO DON'T. Fuck.

This is a trend I see mostly on American news, but I think it's unfortunately making its way into Canadian media as well. Bum and doubly so.


So ya. Journalism is looking like less and less of an appealing job these days. whatever. I think I could do my own thing. Work for a non-conglomerate, non-profit, non-American owned alternative media outlet perhaps. I think the point is moot anyways since I'm in all likelihood going to get the boot from the journalism program.

But I don't care. It's full of pretentious brown nosers anyways.

But I actually do care. I have no idea what else to do.

Maybs I'll take history.

But then my parents (both with chemistry backgrounds, one with a PhD and one with a Masters. I was kinda destined for sciences until I kicked destiny into a dumpster and chose Journalism) would really make fun of me. They already think that since I'm an "arts" student, they had it WAY harder than me and that half my credits are jokes. History would send them into a fit of alternating horror and laughter from which they would never recover, and I would never hear the end of.

I shall think more on this subject once I have actually been told if I am a failure or not. Gee I can't wait.

several useless comments

I have nothing much to say today. Just thought I'd say that. You know, to fill a line in an otherwise meaningless post.

I'm not sure what the point of my blogge is... I think - though I can't be sure - that it had one when I started it. But alas, the point seems to have evaporated and fluttered away on the wind like some sort of evaporating butterfly.

Could you imagine if there were such a thing as an evaporating butterfly? Would it also be able to condense? I suppose if it evaporated it would first have to melt... could it also sublimate? Hmmm... these are the fundamental questions of life people (I think I may have said that exact sentence about some entirely different set of questions once upon a time). I expect answers.


On this day in 1643, Louis XIV became the King of France. He was four.
Just thought you oughta know.

Here comes the bride.

I spent a lovely weekend with all the members of my insanely large family. Like really, all of them. We were all together because my aunt got married. It was very nice. My personal favourite part of the ceremony was when the lady who did the first reading stepped down from the lectern and knocked it over. Which knocked over a giant candle. Which fell through the air spilling wax all over the floor before it caught the bride's veil and brought her down too. The veil never came off her head though. Not with the buckets of hairspray and 87 thousand bobby pins they used to keep it on.

No one was hurt. But I did nearly have a fit of uncontrollable laughter. Which could have ended badly.

I think it all just added a certain flair of ridiculous hilarity to it all.

My cousins and I all decided that people in our family need to get married more often, because weddings are just so darn fun. If no one gets married in the reasonably near future, we're going to have a fake wedding. All the getting drunk and mad wedding dancing without any of the commitment. Sounds good, don't it?

BOOO.

Grandaddy Blackberry (aka Balsillie) is going to get jock-blocked by the NHL.

Fuck you Garry Bettman.

hockey in motion

Ok Jim Balsillie, third time's the charm, dude.

Balsillie is the CEO of Research In Motion and die hard Canadian hockey fan, and just made a bid to buy the bankrupt Phoenix Coyotes and move them to southern Ontario. After striking out while trying to acquire Pittsburgh and Nashville, he should definitely be successful this time. There are many reasons this deal should work out...

1) Phoenix stole the team from Winnipeg in the first place. Winnipeg has never been the same since.
2) Southern Ontario has a ridiculous percentage of Canada's population living there... more than enough to support another hockey team. Personnally, I think southern Ontario is filled with many many whiners who believe they live at the centre of the universe *cough Toronto cough* but that doesn't change the fact that it is strategically a great place for a team.
3) Umm.... Phoenix? Seriously, who picked that city in the first place?
4) Canada only has six teams. Duh we should have more.
5) Balsillie seemed so darn excited in the press conference, I think he might cry if he doesn't get this team.

Hell, if I had $212.5 million kicking around, I'd buy them myself. I also wouldn't be job hunting like a maniac to make money so I can move out of this mad-house I live in.

good night

ps. happy cinco de mayo.

Spring's unexpected "gift"

The anithistamine I took to combat these ridiculous allergies I've developed suddenly this year was a little blue pill.

So..... if my allergy symptoms persist for more than four hours, should I contact my doctor?

tehehehe.

Strawberries should not take 17 bites to eat.

They just shouldn't be that big.

Yesterday I had a massive strawberry the size of an apple. It was mildly horrifying. And it didn't taste all that good either. I think when the mad scientists who engineer these mutant fruits put the giantification gene in the strawberry, they didn't add an increase-flavourification gene to account for the super bigness of it.

I heard somewhere that they put pig genes into tomatoes to make them more robust or something. PIG GENES?! SWINE FLU! Or, pardon me, H1N1, as it is now referred to as....wouldn't want to offend them pigs eh? Or maybe it was fish genes....? To make tomatoes able to breathe underwater probably. Do you realize what this means? FISH FLU! AHHHH. I can just see the headlines now... "Millions of goldfish are flushed amid reports of FISH FLU sweeping across the globe"

Well, in any case, it seems like the world is becoming an increasingly hazardous place for vegans.

And the moral of this post is to not be a vegan.

That is all.


Edit note: this is the 69th post, and I am neither mature nor boring enough to let that go unannounced. And I'm also giggling like an idiot.