Whine and Cheese.

I envy people who know what they want. From themselves, from other people, from life.... and they just go for it.

I wish I knew more often what it is that I want. When I think about all the times I've thought to myself "o dear me, how nice would it be to be in a relationship" I do two things:
1) I have to wonder if it is a relationship I want, or am I just infatuated with the romantic idea?
2) I gag a little.

So now, I am somewhat perched on the brink of something that could turn into a relationship, and I have that familiar creeping feeling of doubt telling me I should just run away a bit. Make my sorry excuses and part ways. Because really, any further and expectation kicks in. She's going to want me to feel the same way she feels. You know?

And how can I know if I'll be able to match her, emotion for emotion, want for want, if I don't even know how to respond to her when she tells me something like "I kinda have a severe crush on you.... and that's good.... but what if it backfires on me?" I know she wants some sort of reassurance about how I feel, but suddenly I became a mute. Or when she says "Do you have any expectations or anything?" and I just play dumb and inarticulate (generally quite an effective tactic).

What do I want? I don't know. She seems to know what she wants. And that's rather irritating.

When someone tells you they want to see you all the time, and they think about that all the time, and you're hearing them, but you don't feel quite the same, what is the appropriate response? I went with silence. Well actually, a nervous giggle and then silence. It is, I think, at least more tactful than being truthful, and less guilt-inducing than lying. So, overall a solid choice. Maybe.

I think I need to work more on my communication skills.

I told myself "no running away blindly this time." I told myself I may as well try out being somebody's somebody for a while, because I haven't anything to lose, really. But that doesn't change the fact that I am freaking out, quietly.

I'm whining, I know. Sorry.

Sometimes, people feel like ropes. I start thinking of Gulliver, on his travels, among the Lilliputians, getting tied down with threads. That's a kind of awful analogy, because I know loads of people are just fine with relationships, and love them and so on. And they don't think they're roped up at all.

But that's not even it. If I knew exactly what my issue was, I could solve it. hmmm.

I think part of my problem might have something to do with someone liking me more than I like them. Might be a control thing.

meh.