Maydaymayday,

May is nearly over and it has sucked weather-wise.

If anyone wants to tell me that climate change does not exist, I would like to punch them in the face. Or at the very least say degrading things about them until they cry and take it back.

I tell you, May has proven itself to be the new April. All rain and cold, all the time. It used to be "April showers bring May flowers." But now the saying would be more apt to say "April's alternating snow and 30 degrees Celsius temperature, bring a May that sucks for sure."

I sincerely hope June brings some heat because I would really like to get outside and sun damage my skin.

Just Work. (warning: written under the influence of massive amounts of coffffffeeeee)

Work sucks, but at least I get to dance in my swivel chair whilst I do it.

People see, but I don't care, because 1) I am trying desperately to make organizing lists and lists of chemical formulas interesting (and that takes coffee and Lady GaGa), and 2) I am surrounded by nerds and deep down they are envying my chair dancing skills.






ps. I'm not saying I'm not a nerd, I'm just a nerd who also has exceptional dance capabilities.

pps. CONGRATULATIONS to my one follower (and likely the only person to read this, but whatevsss) Luke on being a dad now.

ppps. see what I just did there? I just directed Luke back to his own blogge.

You tryin' to be funny? Part II

Yes.

I am seriously considering trying my hand - or mouth I suppose - at stand up.

Trouble is, I'm not sure if I'm all that funny. I mean, if I was on a stage in front of a crowd of people expecting something hilarious to come out of my mouth, would something hilarious come out of my mouth?*

I've been spending a lot of day dreaming hours trying to come up with a set. Or at the very least some promising material that could be coaxed into a stand up sketch. But nothing was coming right away, so I thought maybe if I YouTubed some comedians, ideas would just come to me as I watched them. AND THEY DID!.....

....evidently, none of the ideas were mine.

*Bare in mind, puke is not hilarious.

Jobless (but not actually)

I had an over the phone interview today for a position at Rona, the Home and Garden Centre. I totally sold myself except for the part when the woman said they couldn't hire me because I am not available week days. Because of my day job.

And you know what they say, don't quit your day job for a different one unless the other one is guaranteed more pay. Or at least that's what I say.

And I so wanted to be a "How To" person!

O BTW...

I passed my in-car test. Barely apparently.

The woman said I nearly blew it with my parallel parking. But whatever, say I, I will never need to parallel park again (that is a lie, most likely) and I only learned how to do it the day before the test.

I will now no longer be breaking the law when I drive alone.

Alas, the thrill is gone.

At heart, they are hormonal preteens, I swear.

My parents like to play mind games with each other. They are not fun and there is no winner. My mom's new favourite is called "Emasculating my Husband with Passive Aggressive (emphasis on the aggressive part) Low Blows." She is really good at it.

Kind of almost makes me live in terror at the idea of ever having a girlfriend. Because women are crazy beings.

My Padre on the other hand is more a fan of "How Can I Absentmindedly Piss Her Off?" He is quite by accident good at it. I can't help but wince whenever he accidentally enters into this game because I know he won't realize until it's too late.

For example, yesterday they were chatting with some friends of theirs and my dad mentioned he was going to be in Indianapolis for a week on business. Well, I saw my mom's eyes narrow and her jaw clench a bit, and I guessed that he hadn't told her about the trip. I was right.

All I could do then was slap my forehead in an exasperated and pitiful manner and back away from the situation so as not to feel the full, biting effects of the sarcastic comments that were to ensue.


So ya, it would be funny if I didn't have to witness it through a hazmat suit.

You tryin' to be funny?

If I was a comedian, I would like to be a cross between Ellen DeGeneres, Stephen Colbert, and a Viking. Because as I've recently stated, Vikings are fucking hilarious.

Plus, if the audience wouldn't laugh at me I could just coherce them with my giant thunder hammer. Then dazzle them with my sarcastic wit. Then dance.

It would be the most perfect set ever. By the end, the audience would have forgotten all about me beating the shit out of them at the beginning.

The only thing that could make it any better would be just a touch of John Cleese (oooer haha) and a smidgen of Billy Shakespeare. Because, really, who hasn't read Hamlet and laughed like a mad loon the entire time? It's just one funny situation after another. And then (*spoiler ALERT*) everyone dies.


And now for something completely different.