a word on the last day. well, more than one (obvs!)

WELL. It is the last day of the year.

In New Zealand, they have gone through much more of the day than we over here have.

Just thought I'd point that out.

Anyhoo, it's the very last day of the year, and I do believe that I successfully changed a Shitload in the past 366 days (it was a leap year, yes?)....though not necessarily for the better. In fact, the fam - well, mom and padre - would probably say I've become a pain in the rear. I too will say I have become a pain, but that is because I currently have a headache and I am IN PAIN.

No, I haven't really changed for the better. I still run away from uncomfortable situations. I drop off the face of the earth at the first whiff of something fearful. And no, I'm not talking about ogres and deadly spiders and rabbid wolves. Those things I can deal with, provided I have my rabbies shot and/or anti-venom. I'm talking commitment issues I didn't realize I had. I'm talking letting people down when I most want to keep my promises.

But, that's boring, and I'm sleepy. And I have to figure out where I am going to ring in the new year. I can say for sure though: I will not be getting kissed when the clock strikes twelve. On the other hand, I will be wearing red underwear, as that is supposed to be good luck or whatever.



If I was famous, would I have such fear of further abandonment?

HA. Did you catch that one?

O, btw, I am home now. Already missing the wilderness and the mayhem of my scattered families.



This is random in a way. That is why it is in italics. And also because it has a rhyming scheme, and that always looks better in italics.

Part of everything you don't want to know ends up on my lips
Half of every thought you never think ends up on my mind
Pieces of you you never see haunt my dreams at night.
But you went out without a fight.

Fractions of the art you never made end up burned on my retinas
Part of every sentence you never said end up in my mouth
Pieces of the life you don't live plague my every waking thought.
And I'm making something out of what is not.

That's all.

Three's comany. Forty's a crowd.

Well Howdy-Do? etc.

I am now no longer in the depths of the wilderness. I have moved on with my family to another town with other family living in it. Now I'm on a farm. Though the farm animals consist mainly (only) of chickens and rabbits and grapes. Yes, here grapes count as animals. O and there is a blind dog who wears a red sparkly sweater. and a kitty cat.

But what is lacking in the animal department is made up for in the massive amount of people here. It is a wild house full of psycho children (litteraly, FULL.) and adults who try and fail miserably at tolerating the volume of noise generated by said psycho kids.

Really though, the noise they make could produce electricity for a small African village. That is why the Chillens (childs) get banished to the basement, where they fight and carry on with minimal - well, a little less than before - noise making it up to the delicate ears of the adults. But, inevitably, someone punches someone else in the shins and hurts their knuckles, or one kid accuses another of being a dictator, or one complains that their system of play is not democratic enough, and they all come stampeeding up the stairs to resolve their argument in a shouting match refereed and/or joined by their parents.

Honestly? Dictator? How old are you children? 'Cause when I was 8, I told a bossy person that they were a poo face.

Now that I have grown up and matured, I use the more sophisticated term douche monkey or perhaps the more subtle fuck-tard. My wisdom astonishes me.

Anyhoo. everyone here in this family survives - and even thrives - in this environment from developing the technique of being able to carry on multiple (up to, but not limited to, 10) conversations at once, while also carrying out various tasks like dishes and playing cards and taking pictures and settling childrens' disputes + feeding them and cooking, ALL AT ONCE. It can be quite a hazardous place to be, if you are not equiped with the proper skills to navigate the area. Conversations get animated. Dishes fly. Children bite. Blind dogs run into people. Spit roams freely out of over-excited talking peoples' mouths. Newcomers should wear helmets and arm themselves with a hefty stick.

Anyone who is part of the family by blood seems to have a natural knack for this. The women especially. However, people who have married in (ie, my dad) have a harder time developing the skill. Some valiantly try though and often are extremely successful. Others (ie, my dad) have to remove themselves from the mayhem for brief intervals of time....you know, take a little time out from the action, in order to maintain their sanity.


It's absolutely lovely. And that isn't even sarcasm.




Ok. I sleep.
Dream of moonshine and howling wind and Germany (which is what I dreamt of last night).

OWN the Christmas.

I say, Merry Frickin' Christmas to all, and to all a good fucking night.

And, happy birthday if it happens to be your birthday and you've developed a complex from it being neglected your whole life because it is on Christmas. I am sincerely sorry. But just think, what would Jesus do?

he'd make Christmas his birthday. Which is what he did.

So chin up all you unfortunates with your birthdays on Christmas. Own the holiday. Be like baby Jesus.

However, for your own personal safety, I recommend that you stop the likeness there. Otherwise, you know....you may get crucified.

Now, down to business.

Not.





Gooooooodnight.

You look like a fool to me.

Hello all.

HAHAHAHAH. who am I kidding eh?

Right. So, I'm not in my city, I am definitely somewhere else. Visiting the relations on my padre's side of the fam. Whenever I am here I am very thinkity. Pensive, if you wish me to use a word that actually exists. I mean, I am, in general, stupidly stuck in my head, imagining on one subject or another, but here.....whooosh. Every thought is much more...ermmm.....profound feeling due to the wilderness and trees and bears and antlered animals that I'm surrounded by.

I know, I know....I'm so deep today. Get over it.

Perhaps it is because I'm so removed from the people I know (other than the insane fam, unfortunately) when I'm here, I can get a little perspective on the crap situations I have developed for myself back home. Perspective isn't always a good thing either. Sometimes it just allows you to see how much worse something is. HA. That's always a dart to the bum and a kick to the shins.

In the immortal words of Ezekiel (seriously, they're in the Bible, and that book will outlive us all and continue being a pain in the ass. But that is a pain for another day) "GIRD YOUR LOINS!" because I'm nowhere near done. Or you could avert your eyes....that would probably be the healthy thing to do.

Aww....the great wilds. Fresh air, rabid foxes, immense snow drifts.... last time I was here, there weren't snow drifts. And much of what was on my mind then is still on my mind now. Except now it has festered and made itself a dilema. Totally not fair. I didn't ask for the thoughts to morph into a dilema, and yet BOOM. Brains are crap.

Last time I made the trek to where I currently am, I had my mind on a boy to take my mind off a girl. Fucked up, ainit? But that is what twats do when they are scared. I kinda sorta halfway started this thinger with a girl (and no, I don't care if you don't get what a "thinger" is. Figure it out) but then I jumped ship after going slightly mad. I freaked out. So instead, I focused my energies on this lovely dude I'd had a thing for before, to take my mind of the guilt of running away from the girl who really did not deserve to be dropped like a dropped thing (ei, a rotten apple, a bad habit, a flaming sack of shit, etc.).

And then - wait for it - I freaked out about him too. And ran. Figuratively, obviously. I didn't fling down his hand and scamper away in the middle of a date or anything without so much as a backwards glance, if that's what you were envisioning. No no no. even I am not that much of a deranged person.

Anyhoo. That is the barely understandable and abridged version of what was going on in the useless object sitting atop my neck last time I was here. So, now all that and then some has putrefied and now, I'm thinking of it all, but it's kind of like soup. All sloshed together and nasty with bits floating in it.

I don't want to eat the soup, and there is no mental dog to feed it to. The solution to this irksome thought-soup will end up being to pour it on someone's head. haha.

o what larkss.

Right. So, enough of that. I'm just confusing myself, so I can't even pretend to fathom the confusinosity in which you find yourself right now.

CAUTION: THIS IS MY UNGRACEFUL SEGUE INTO A DIFFERENT TOPIC.

Ok. These days I've been perusing blogs willy-nilly. Commenting on random things, ad hoc, to ermm...spread my seed across the internet? Also, I'm not exactly sure on how one is supposed to use the term ad hoc and I think that it might make little to no sense in the context I just put it in. Whatevs. I stumbled upon a many a blogge chronicling the pregnancy and birth of a child. No wait - that came out wrong: the pregnancy of a woman and then the birth of the child. Clearly not the pregnancy of a child. Though, I'm sure there are those out there too, as of yet undiscovered by me.

But there was one "look at us, we're having a baby" blog that I found hilarious, mostly because it's mostly not explicitly about the upcoming child. This Luke character will find his sense of humour particularly essential to him whilst his wife be prego.

So, being a web-weirdo like most people who use the internet for purposes other than Google, I commented on his post, mostly because he didn't seem overly hopeful that any of his family would bother to do so. and he totally put a link to ME in his next post. Probably out of gratitude. Or the hope that I will never visit his page again.

He called me "Someone who is definitely not Alice." HAHA. O, my ribs do crack with laughter. And I'm not sure of blogge etiquette (o btw, I write blogge now, because the aforementioned blogge says it is more elegant?) but perhaps I should give Luke of the Kinderbloggen a shout-out?

I am so internet savvy, it scares me sometimes.

Well, now you know all my secrets. Not.

so so bored. and full of nonsense and la joie de whatsit?

Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Bring me....A SHRUBBERY!

It's but a flesh-wound.

Don't practice your alliteration on meee.

hello Success? we may have never met before....

hello. Success. I have received a comment. Imagine, someone reading my rubbish and then deciding to tell me my blog is "beautiful" and they like it! Well, merci and gracias and thank you and arivaderci (that last one doesn't quite mean thank you....it means "goodbye" but, no matter...). It's not exactly what I would say to someone with such utter insanity written all over their blog, but s'ok.

boo ya grammma.

double ganger.

o wow.

I just typed 'Alice is not my name' into Goooogle. And what should appear? Well, actually, only one other person seems to go by this, may I say, fantastic, name, and she is on deviantART.

she says

"Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody"
- Mark Twain

so I suppose Mark Twain actually says that. It's so very true. except for those of us who only have the dark side, in which case that statement is only half true.

some nuggets of irrelevancyy.

The internet makes me feel small. It makes everything seem...almost irrelevant.

You know, you type something into a search and 19 901 011 related things pop up. It's like by making the world smaller through the wonders of the internet, by making anything around the world available to anyone with a computer, we've been opened to the full scope of the world.

And it's big. Try being unique in a world like this.

I typed my name - my real name - into Google the other day, and to my surprise, the real me was on the first page of results. But along with that were hundreds of people who'd done hundreds of different things of note with my name.

So in one way that's really quite cool. But in another way, it's scary.

Globalization is totaly fucking with my psychy.

But, thankfully there is this dude you may have heard of named Dr. Seuss, and he says

Today You are You,
That is truer than True.
There is no one alive who is
Youer than You.

So ya. The thing is, there are about 10 billion other quotes just like that about "uniqueness" by a bunch of random people. So, I don't know how much stock you can put in such things.

That's pretty much all I've got. I'm still bored out of my head, explaining why I am Googling random shit all the time recently.


Think.

Does this stress you out?

I'm going crazy.......I've developed some sort of cabin fever from not going anywhere. This bus strike is goign to be the death of me. I have this week of freedom right? But it's not really freedom now is it, since I'm couped up in this stupid house. AAAAARGHH.

and my family is driving me nuts. OK, so they normally have me poised to spontaneously combust at any moment just from being their regular selves, but there is something about the Christmas season that brings out the crazy in people. So, they're more irksome than ever.

and it is snowing in Las Vegas. and California closed two highways because it snowed on them, and they are not equiped with trucks fixed with giant shovels like the ones that roam freely in this northern land.


right on.

Nights in white satin

Why am i up at this time of night/morning?

I don't know why I don't just sleep like a normal person. that is, during the night.

This is perhaps, one of the reasons I'm quite short.

I say, freedom doth taste of gloriousness

once upon a time there was an exam. AND I KICKED ITS ASS.

well, ok, so I don't actually know if I did well, but I think I may have perhaps passed. Which was definitely what I was going for.

And I even studied. In my own, nearly useless way. It involves me spending broken intervals of time (broken by coffee making breaks, coffee drinking breaks, coffee buying breaks, and then the inevitable thousand times I need to pee after consuming so much coffee) reading my notes and text books whilst my brain, who is supposed to be interpreting the words on the page, thinks about other, reeeeally more interesting things. Like how it would feel to punch through a wall, or how much I hate buses. Or my brain just outright falls asleep while my eyes keep to their reading duty. It's eerie, I turn pages and everything, even though my brain functions are next to zero.

O, the buses in my city are on strike and that's why I hate them so much. I dunno if I mentioned that before...anywho, so no buses means that I am either restricted to going places within walking distance or getting a ride. Well, university is much farther than I could walk without getting abducted or dying in a snowdrift, so I had to get a ride from the mother. And i got to school at 7:46am - for my 2pm exam. Well, that's just great right? Six blissful hours of studying more.

I got coffee a few times, moved from spot to spot around campus as I got bored of my surroundings, and eventually, I ended up on the fourth floor of the library. The library is this magical land full of books of every colour and size (that are all completely useless), and where I swear they pump sedatives out of the air vents, because it doesn't matter how much coffee I arm myself with, I can't stay awake. Perfect place to pretend I'm studying and catch a few winks.

Well, I fell asleep with my head wedged between the pages of one textbook praising neoliberalist global trade (fuuuuuun) and my hand saving a page in another talking about "globalization from below" (even funnnnner) and I had a dream. I dreamt I was miniature, as in the size of a Spiderman action figure, and I was given the vital task of globalizing from below, because I was miniature. And apparently that's what miniature humans do?

Well, it freaked me out and I woke up. For that reason and also because my face was painfully mashed into the spine of the textbook.

That is where studying gets you, creepy dreams in a smelly, sleep inducing library. And i think a librarian was spying on me. Maybe I was talking in my sleep. It's been known to happen. A lot.

And that's the saga of my exam. Except for the part when I went and wrote it, but that part is much too mind-numbing to describe. It was just a boatload of writing, some pausing to frantically remember all the not-useless things I studied, and then more writing.

And now I'm done.

I was going to start job hunting and christmas shopping, but there's the whole no buses thing... FUCK BUSES. So I'm pretty well confined to the general area of my neighbourhood. I could get a job at at the grocery store.... and buy fresh produce and curly fries for everyone for Christmas. And coldcuts! yes that would go over well, especially since the presents would be well and rancid by the time anyone opened them. But I think that just adds a certain je ne sais quoi, n'est pas?

O well, no sense in bitching about something I can't change. but I'm going to ANYWAYS!

I don't like this being stuck without transportation thing, not one little bit.
I despise it so much, I'm throwing a fit.
I say, eat shit.
And start the buses again.
before the city goes insane.
have you seen the traffic these days?
it's a wonder we can see the sun through all the extra car generated haze.
so FUCK.

I get in touch with my poetic side when I feel passionately about something.

right, well suck on that.


and bbye.

i ran into the hangman.... he said it's time to die.

I am in very real, significant danger of flunking the course I have an exam for tomorrow. I am also listening to NEIL YOUNG just now, and he said it's time to die. Great song. Bad omen.

My brother is doing some sort of interpretive dance/diva thing to the song "Old Man." It is distracting me from writing, which is distracting me from studying. And studying is distracting me from living with what little sanity I once had. It's pretty ridiculous how bonkers I feel just now. debilitatingly bonkers.

I believe exams were invented by some inhuman sadist who despised the youth of his day (yes, it was definitely a man....how else could he be so stupid?) and wished to see them all go insane. well, its working.


well, bbye.

for all is my fault.

lines i did cross
love i did take
a slowly mending heart i did break

the shadowed face of loss
my confidence did shake
now i walk with naked wounds bleeding in my wake

naught but the walls i build can keep me intact
but the words i said, i can not take back
naught but my absence can make this right
so why must she feel it a slight?

lest her eyes
see through my rebuff
i shan't again sleep until i lose the face of love

Shall i compare thee to a summer's day? Have thou lookethed out the window recently?

We have a shitload of snow. It's well beautiful until you have to shovel it. Then it is rather heavy. I was clearing my driveway at about 4 o'clock, which meant it was practically pitch black outside, and I went a little nuts...I'm not sure why though. the neighbours must've all thought I was real special when i started singing all the songs that came on my Ipod at the top of my voice. Then I danced. Then I kicked my shovel into a snow bank.

It was a fun fun time.

When I came inside, I amused myself by watching a bus trying to get unstuck in front of my house. It just kinda floundered around on the snow covered road for 10 minutes, spinning its wheels to no avail. Then suddenly it was free. After the bus was gone, some complete pratt decided to bolt across the road. Well, obviously, it was slippery. But he somehow missed that memo. Or maybe watching a bus slip and slide all over the road made him forget....in any case, he started running. Then, he started flying when his feet flew out from under him and into the air. He probably felt smart when he landed straight on his ass.

Again, fun fun time.

so, yes. now I have an exam on Friday and I haven't started studying yet.


I really don't want to.



My mistress when she walks treads on the ground.

o, don't they all? seriously Shakespeare. If you have issues with the woman you're in love with, do you honestly have to criticize her for not being able to fly?

haha. I'm sure that's not exactly what he meant.

nightttt.

ornaments are secret sex adicts

I'm bored. and I have too much time on my hands. I can guarantee this posting an entry everyday thing is not going to last. just til stop needing to study.

the fam and I put up our Christmas tree today. I still have the same decorations I made when I was five and loved glitter (ok, I still love glitter, but only when I'm shoving it down someone's shirt) and it made its way onto everything. there's this one pretty hideous one that may at some point have looked something like a dove in flight, but sadly, the tissue paper making up its wings got completely crushed between an excited nutcracker and a horny angel going at it in storage over the summer. Now it is a dove with clipped wings. Actually, kind of without wings all together. it gets a spot of honour at the back of the tree.

here is a poem:

we put up a tree
it is taller than me
which isn't at all hard to be
and i couldn't put the horny angel on the top
because she and the nutcracker just wouldn't stop


it was going to be longer, but I suddenly lost interest.
anyways, you get the gist of what was going on.

kay. now I'm bored of this. How fickle my focus is...




bbye.

this sanity will be the death of me

ok, I ask "Does that make sense?" a whole lot more that is strictly necessary. But it is only because I really and truly don't understand what constitutes something being rational and sane as opposed to what makes something pure, unadultered insanity. Decisions I make, fantasies I have, my reasons for doing what I do....I'm never sure if they are products of a properly functioning mind or if I'm doing all this because I have a brain that is living slightly in an alternate universe where being sane doesn't exist. I have a sneaking suspicion it is the latter, though it does confuse me quite a bit.

Does that make sense? hahaha.

I don't think it does. but whatever, I don't mind being a loon of the first water. Except that I do. sometimes.

now, if you're still reading, and I haven't lost you (I've lost myself, but honestly, whatelse is new?), I'd first like to wonder at why you started reading in the firstplace, and I would secondly like to change the subject.

all my studying paid off I think.
what studying?
the non-existant studying I did.
I actually fell asleep.
and then I woke up at 5 in the morning and decided I needed more sleep.
Awful ainit?

o well. I went into my exam and I did a marathon of writing. my hand bloody hurts now. I think I sprained it somewhere between writing about Louis XIV and babbling about the significance of the Reformation. Louis was a twat. but a very Absolutist twat with a very large, very ultra-cool-with-knobs house. I've been there....and it was tres malade, as the French would say, if they were trying to be American but still refined. hahaha. I amuse myself toooo much.

i'm also terribly sorry about my impromtu little rant about Canadian politics. But it is so fun to complain about thems peoples in parliament because, the beauty of this country is that it doesn't matter what they do, it will always be a fuck up to someone.

.....

so this girl I need to apologize to, she's got a blog. and ya...I'm not sure why I said that, I'm just thinking onto my keyboard. like Mozart. except not. right, so I'm actually the absolute worst at opening up to people. I'm worse than anybody you'll meet. Ever. I don't take pride in that by any means. It makes it really difficult to talk to people about anything real. Unless I'm drunk. get me liquored up and I'll tell you anything. I'll do the things that inhibitions prohibit me from doing regularly.

ok. that's all I've got. but not really, my hand is just tired and sprained.

the art of doing EXACTLY what you're trying not to do.

I realllly should be studying right now. I have an exam who's material spans about three millennia imminently approaching (in fact it's in about 24 hours) yet I am on this stupid computer doing exactly what I said I wouldn't do...alternately writing this and playing tetris. ok. sad I know.

But don't you ever feel just completely unmotivated to do what should be done? Like right now, not only am I putting off the massive amounts of studying I need to do to get even a decent mark in this class, I am also putting off retrieving my toast from the toaster. Does that even make sense? No it doesn't. I want toast. And I want it to be at least somewhat hot while I butter it so why am I still sitting on the couch pretending I didn't hear it pop?

Anyways, enough about toast, as delicious as it is.

why did I start this blog?
I think only one of me really wanted to, the other is still looking on as I write this shaking her head at how lame and semi-emo and self-indulgent this is. In any case, my reasons were somewhat influenced by my need for a new way to procrastinate from studying. What, you think it is a coincidence that it is exam season and all of the sudden I neeeeed a blog? Well, I'm sure it's not.

Are people even going to be at all interested?
who am I asking these questions to.... let's see...all Zero of the people who have viewed my shit.

ok. enough of this introspective humbug. I can only deal with so much of that during the day. At night though....it's quite another story. I go all crazy insomniac. It's terrible.

so....Parliament is suspended eh? well, there's some procrastination if I ever saw it. What exactly are they going to be doing for their little six week vacation? Important shit no doubt. Like maybe deciding what to do with the budget so that.... no wait, you need Parliament for that. nevermind.

anyhow.

bbye.

Stupid brain.

Have you ever wanted to say sorry but not actually want forgiveness?
Does that make sense?

ok. This is what I mean....
I've hurt someone and I know it. I agonize over it. But if I say sorry, and this person forgives me....well, I just think I don't deserve forgiveness. Plus, this person is so better off without my bullshit in her life that I think I should just stay away.

I'm not sure I am being at all coherent. It's hard to effectively dump your brain into print.