A List of Ten Things.

I don't generally (o looke, I spelt it rite!) consider myself in any position to be giving out fashion tips. I don't think I'm particularly good at critiquing style or anything. I mean, getting dressed in the morning usually consists of a trip to my floor (because I literally trip over all the shit on it) where I pick up a clean pair of pants and a shirt, and then maybe a walk across the room to my belts and ties and scarves and feather boas and other crap like that, and then I put it all together to get an outfit that may or may not match.

But, when I read this, I simply felt I must weigh in with my (perhaps misguided) opinion. It is one of those dumb "top ten" articles that are always the first thing I see when I sign into my email that I feel I may as well read. It is by Heather Adler, and it's about 10 fashion trends that were started by celebs and we all regret in retrospect.

The thing is, I don't regret all of them. In fact, I find myself disagreeing with Ms. Adler at every turn.....

1) "The Rachel" (refering to the mid 90s style of haircut popularized by Jennifer Aniston in Friends)
Ok, actually, I may have to agree with this one. So, moving on...

2) "Shoulder Pads" Adler says: "In that crazy, mixed-up time in our lives known as the ‘80s, nothing really seemed to make much sense, but why the world decided women should go for the football player look continues to stand out as a point of particular inanity."

Right, well, shoulder pads weren't so hot, but I think that they didn't just come out of nowhere. I believe that back in the 80s, women were still kinda breaking into the professional world, and in an (ugly) effort to be taken seriously in a male dominated career, they made their shoulders more masculine. Because, as we all know, to this day, pay grade is determined by one's shoulder to shoulder measurement.... a sad reality involving glass ceilings.

However! Some people seeking androgyny and futuristic/blast from the past looks seem to be able to pull off these pads. Like the world's current ambassador to pop culture, Lady Gaga.

I personally do not wear them because my shoulders are already somewhat monstrous. Not good for buying blazers, great for equal pay.

3) "Legwarmers" Adler says: "After the juggernaut that was “Flashdance” swept the world, youths everywhere started donning leg warmers, perhaps in a misguided attempt to fool people into thinking they were dancers. Suddenly, these useless little tubes of fabric were available everywhere and in every colour: Speckled leg warmers! Floral leg warmers! Neon leg warmers! The rarely seen but mystical striped ankle warmers! If you were one of the people who wore these to sweaty clubs in the dead of summer, hang your head in shame."

They are not useless! They keep your legs warm! Duh. As a proud owner of at least three pairs of the things (one of which is *gasp* NEON GREEN) I can attest to the veracity of that statement. And if people happen to think I'm a dancer, well so much the better.

But ya, if you wear them to a sweaty club, you're pretty dumb.

4) "Stupid Baby Names" Adler says: "Way before adopting foreign orphans was all the rage, stars were breeding amongst themselves and producing celebuspawn, which they quickly cursed with ridiculous handles."

Agreed. But I will not make fun of the ludicrously named kids because the spawn of famous icons are people too. But seriously, hello parents of these children with o so weird names, why would you do that?

5) "Dressing like your crazy, alcoholic uncle" Adler says: "When Woody Allen’s “Annie Hall” came out in 1977, it suddenly became cool to look like a dishevelled dude. Women everywhere copped her style and started wearing socks with high heals (never a good idea), loose-fitting jackets and vests , and developed a taste for ties. Avril Lavigne would later bring back the latter trend and it proved to be equally obnoxious."

First of all, I don't have an alcoholic uncle, but I've got an alcoholic grandpa, and he doesn't dress nearly as well as this Annie Hall character. Second, it has always been cool to dress like a dishevelled dude. Vests and ties are perfectly fine. In fact, I wear them all the time. My only regret is that people sometimes believe that I wear a tie in homage to Avril Lavigne, which is not true in the least. I wore a tie first, thanks very much.

6) "Shoes that look like medieval torture devices" Adler says "Ever since “Gladiator” came out in 2000, designers have been cranking out something that looks like a cross between a shoe and a bondage device and peddling them to unsuspecting women. For some reason, this continues on today and society has yet to realize it looks dumb."
First of all, YAY for bondage.

Second, how did everyone in the world but her miss that memo?

I'll tell you why these are still in fashion: every woman secretly wants to be a dominatrix. So for the women who can't because it is not socially acceptable/they already have a day job, the next best thing is to wear these wild and crazy shoes. I applaud these wild and crazy shoes. They don't look dumb, but they are slightly intimidating (it's the backup plan to the shoulder pads...if your very large shoulders don't get you an equal salary, then beat the shit out of your boss with your medieval torture device that is cleverly disguised as shoes).

They look like they'd be a rather masochistic thing to wear, honestly.

7) "Tiny, little cars suited for clowns, not people" Specifically, Adler is speaking of the Mini Cooper. She says, "The tiny, bug-like auto has remained at the forefront ever since, despite the fact just looking at one diminishes your masculinity by 25 per cent."

I like the Mini Cooper ok? And what this woman is saying is that small cars are associated with femininity, and big cars are for REAL DUDES. Thank you so much for your overt play towards gender stereotyping, Heather. This is how I think: small cars are associated with smart, environment loving people, while big, gas guzzling cars are for the people who obviously have money to burn on filling their stupidly big gas tanks and don't care for the environment. SO.

Also! Clown are people too.

Don't try to tell them otherwise, or they'll kill you in your sleep.

8) "Drag queen makeup" Adler tells of how the 1963 Cleopatra movie sent girls into a tizzy dolling up their eyes with alotta colour and fake eyelashes. And how this is bad.

In case she hasn't noticed, this look for the eyes is quite in style. For girls...guys....little kids who raid their mother's makeup drawer.... everyone, really. Plus, why she be raggin' on drag queens? They are the awesomest. Don't knock Drag Queens or they'll knock you out.

9) "Tight, white, polyester suits"
Adler, shockingly, does not dig these suits. Or John Travolta. She may think that being the mother in Hairspray was a bad thing for him, but I thought it was sosososososo funny.

If I had a suit like that, I'd wear it EVERYDAY.
And I would disco too.
Everyone would say I was sick cause they'd be catching my Saturday Night Fever.

BAM.

10) "Capri Pants" Adler fondly refers to them as "the bastard child of shorts and pants," and asks, "Hey, do you want to make yourself look shorter and fatter in one easy step? Wear some Capris!"

Capri pants are comfy, and great if your street floods just a little and you wanna walk around outside without having to roll your pants up. Also, they are sometimes called "Clam diggers" because people can regularly be spotted digging for clams in them. Again, no pant rolling necessary! Ergo, Capri pants are just fine.

Also, my five foot frame really can't look any shorter, so do I care? Nah.

That's it.


ps. see that tag down there that says "fashion sense"? Well, I bet this is the first and last time I use it.